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Ma, Guess Who I'm Going to Marry

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Ok, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "the red-head in the middle."
He was surprised that his mother was able to guess the correct woman, "How do you know?!" The mother replies, "I don't like her!"

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GO GIT YO MAMA


A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "





Michael jackson and Bobby Brown were arguing about who the best dancer was. they said when they go to heaven they would decide. Mariah Carey and Madonna were arguing bout who was the greatest prostitiute they said when they get to heaven, they would decide. Busta Rhymes(very ugly man) said he was the ugliest man and nobody argued with him.
in heaven, Michael jackson came out of the door and told Bobby brown:"you see i told you i was the greatest dancer" Madonna came out of the door and said,"you see i told you i was the greatest prostitute" Busta Rhymes came out of the door and was angry. they asked him what the matter was, he said"WHO THE HELL IS TARIBO WEST?"






Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him: "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8...

and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.
The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."







A young boy rushed to his mother and told her excitedly..."Mummy, Mummy!, come quickly! There is a strange man playing with the house maid in her room.

His mother stood up in anger.

"In my house?! Abi this girl craze! Ewo! If na true junior de talk I go kill this girl today"!

She stormed down the hall to confront the maid but when she got to the door, junior who had been trying to play a joke on his mum screamed with glee...

"April Fool Mum!, It's only Daddy playing with the house maid!"





There were four businessmen - An American, a Cuban, an Englishman, and a Nigerian cruising in a Limo.

The Cuban, who had been puffing on his Havana cigar, threw it out the window after only smoking it half way.

The American was astounded and said “Are you nuts? Do you have any idea how much those are worth in my country?” The Cubans simply replied, “My country is full of that shit.”

The American, unwilling to be one-upped, pulled off his Rolex and tossed it out the window.

The Nigerian was amazed and said “Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how much those are worth in my country?” The American replied grinning, “My country is full of that shit.”

Now the Brit who, up to this point had been ignoring the others, calmly reached across, grabbed the Nigerian by the collar, opened the car door and kicked him out.

The Cuban and American were confused and asked, “Are you trying to get us arrested? Why the hell did you do that?” The Englishman casually replied, “My country is full of that shit!”







An American, a Japanese, and a Nigerian were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.

The American presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile I have a microchip in my hand."

The Nigerian, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.







During the last women's world cup, a guy in Warri was trying to get in touch with his senior brother who had flown over to the US to watch the Falcons play.

Check this out.

Waffi guy: Hallo, hallo is dat di hotel!?

Receptionist: No need to shout sir, What can we do for you?

Waffi guy: Ah-ah, which level? Can I speak to my senior broda hin loom lumber 213 please? Hallo hallo are you still dere?

Receptionist: You are shouting in my ear again.

Waffi guy: Sorry sista but di line is dey echo echo like inside dat cave for Things fall apart.

Receptionist: I'll put you through to 213, hang on.

Phone rang a few times and wasn't picked up.

Receptionist: Sorry he's not answering. Any messages?

Waffi guy: See what this broda has done eh, make me waste my money on Nitel eh.

Receptionist: Where are you ringing from?

Waffi guy: Warri.

Receptionist: Where in the world is that ?

Waffi guy: So you don't know common Warri sef ?

Receptionist: I haven't a clue.

Waffi guy: It's in Southern Nigeria.

Receptionist: How do you spell it?

Waffi guy mutters to himself: (Oyinbo canut spell simple Warri sef. Shoo !) O.K., I will spell it.

W for wokswagin,
A for avaluation,
ahru for load,
anoda ahru for anoda load
and I for myself.

Receptionist: What is load?

Waffi guy: You get standard six sef? You no know main load or hexpless load ? Oghene Bico (God abeg) You pipo ah nut devenlop ah-tall ah-tall.

Receptionist: And who do I say called?

Waffi guy: Ah -ah, which level. Na me call now. Oghenetega, but Tega by popular demand.

Receptionist: Can you spell please ?

Waffi guy: Of course. You gather pen? OK

na T for drinking
E for e gba mi
G for gra gra
and Aaayy for futball dribble.

Hallo hallo. Chai Nepa! Chai no bi Nepa, my money don finis!














TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENTS

Once in a conference, three scientist: an American, a German and a
Nigerian were talking and bragging about the technological advances their representative countries have achieved in the field of medicine.
Says the American, "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without forearms, so we attached artificial forearms on him. And now that he is grown, he has become an Olympic boxer and a gold medalist at that.

The German replied, That's nothing to what we have done back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs on her, she is now a 3 times marathon gold medalist in the Olympics.

The Nigerian interjected laughingly, "Is that all you have, just gold medalist? In Nigeria, we had a baby born without a head! We attached a coconut to the neck and he is now the president.






why God made Eve
God was worried that Adam would frequently
become lost in the garden because he would
not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require
someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy
himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would
therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a
doctor's dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night
to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men
would never be able to handle the pain and
discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never
remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his
troubles on when God caught him hiding in the
garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be
alone."

And, finally, the Number 1 reason why
God created Eve....

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He
stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can
do better than that!"




There were three men living together in London. An African-American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. However upon coming close to a posh London restaurant in this classy neighborhood, they decided to come up with a plan.

The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. "LISTEN MY MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!" - the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble ... he let the brother leave.

Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. "HEY, HEY, LOOK At ME CROSSES BUT AH PAID YOU ALREADY!" - the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he did not want anything to upset the other customers. He let the guy go.

Ten minutes later, the Nigerian walked in. He sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu, plus two bottles of Guinness. After he finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal, but before the Nigerian could say anything, the waiter spoke to him. "Sir... I have been having all sorts of problems all day and I can't understand it. Two other people like you came in earlier and ate, and they say that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from then so..."

Before he could finish, the Nigerian interrupted, rather emphatically, "OGA I SORRY FOR YOU...OOO. BUT DAT NA YOUR PROBLEM. I JUST WANT YOU TO GIVE ME MY CHANGE!"



Teacher: Kola, please spell plantain.

Kola: Whish one? The lipe {ripe} one or the unlipe {unripe} one?

Teacher: {clearly frustrated} What difference does it make? just spell PLANTAIN!

Kola: OK Teasha,

If you fly {fry}the lipe one na DODO,
If you fly the unlipe one na SHIPS{chips},
If you loast {roast} am, na BOLI
All of them na plantain, so: whish one you wan make I spell?






Rich Corpse
An African couple were living together in the bounds of Holy Matrimony. Well, it wasn't so Holy. The Husband liked to take control of everything so the wife had very little breathing space.

The husbands health began to deteriorate slowly.

One day he called his wife to his room and said to her "woman, when I die, I want go with my money oh, all the money I have spent the last few years of my life accumulating. Put it all in the coffin.

So the wife being the good person that she was, kindly agreed.

The husband soon passed away and the wife made all the preparations for a funeral. On the day of the funeral, and in front of all gathered, she threw a large envelope into the coffin.

Her friend who was sitting next to her turned and asked her what she was doing.

When the woman explained the agreement, her friend lashed into her... "you stupid idiot, bitch, idiot upon ignoramus, instead of you to take the money and run like a turkey during Christmas, you sit there like a monkey during a free bannana convention, abeg go relax your head".

The woman, upset by the violent attack by a good friend, sat there quietly sobbing.

Then her mother joined in to give a piece of her mind.

The woman, quietly fumming, turned to both her mother and the friend and replied "I wrote him a check!".
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AIDS Injection
There was a man living in Victoria Island, Lagos.

A thief came to his house one night and threatened to inject him with blood containing the HIV virus if he didn't drop all the money he collected from the bank the day before.

The man: Are you going to leave me with the money if I allow you to inject me with the HIV virus?

The Thief: I will not collect the money and I will leave you.

On hearing this, he told the thief to give him 5 minutes and he went to the toilet. When he came back from the toilet, he asked the thief to inject him with the HIV virus.

The thief injected him with the HIV virus and left immediately.

Immediately the thief left, the wife became hysterical

The Wife: What the hell did you just do?

The Man: Don't mind the stupid thief, he doesn't know that I put on a condom the other time I went to the toilet.
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True or Not?

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.